Nothin’ in this w0rld can mEasuRe ma exact happiness ayt n0w…… been struglling along, tryin’ t0 figure 0ut if “is thiS what I’m askin’ for?”…. s0 there i was br0wsing every bloG id Posted here b4.. and God did i tell you it is what i’m askin’ for!….

yeAh, there’s still some bumPs al0ng the RoaD.. but everythin’ was a part of 0ne biG package called… “Love”… yep… MisS lonely princess is n0w happy…! tnx t0 someone out theRe named….”Gerald Pineda..” He brought Back the sMile in ma faCe….

My happiness... :-)

All i can sAy ryt n0w..” i’ll owEiz L0ve y0u babie till the Day i die”…. I was strugglin’ bef0re, livin’ a life full of hatred and disgUst…… until, he caMe and guiDe me Out of that dArk plaCe that i was Trapped about….. n0w…. evrythin’s in its rytful places…….. i can never CompLain f0r anythin’ else… I g0t what life has t0 offeR bEst….. yeah, there mybe a TyMs that we hVe sme lil’ miss undrStandin’s but that was all part of relati0nships and life…… atleast,,, one thing that i’m pr0ud of “we never LEt rumors get inTo us..”

now i’m openin’ a new chaptEr of ma liFe… full of l0ve and HappiNess…. full of j0y and God’s Blessings….. hhhhhmmmmmm….. i thInk we’ll be given a new blessings to0… hhmm a “Baby”… were gonNa have a Baby!!!!! hehehe….. what a news… hahaha.. nahhh… but if ever, we’ll b0th be happy…. well… what i say… if i ever confirm that i’m pregnant.. don’t worry i’ll inf0rm y0u guys ryt away……… hhhmmm.. well… to be with him is the beSt thing thAt ever happened in ma liFe…… t0 be impriss0ned by his arMs is what evertyn’ im l0nging f0r…..

N0w this Chapter is far well opened…. and it’ll never end… cause God made a way for us to be haPpy… together and c0ntented….. lo0kin’ f0rward for a new memBer in our livEs….. “hhmmm.. baby girl or baby b0y?” 

I’v been wOndrin’ arOund.. aGain… thingking whY can’t he fOllow suCh simplesT instrUctiOns in life…?!!! ol i’m askiN’ frOm hiM is to be veRy caReful with his wOrds of mouTh…!~! like is it so0 hard to understand thAt i don’T wanna reCeive any pRomisses unless it is well ensUred that the pRomise will be kepT….! thaT’s all im askin’ for…

Assurance that whenEver he’ll utteR a word, he must makE sure that he could and he woulD make It hapPen…!! just that! so0 siMple…! yet i was always been disSapointed…… it’s just that iT suckS to waiT for somebody who prOmised somethin’ at me, then would Turn out to be One big tAlk freak persOn who can’t even stand up foR his own words….! whO can’t even leave up on his promise…!!!

Then what, i’ll heAr words again, sucH as i’m ovah dramatic and Emo…. likE i was the oNe wHo can’t understand the siTuation, like i was ovah demanDing…???

Well, i wouldn’t Act all that soRts if he wouldn’t giVe me reasOns to act so0….!!! ryt?! what if, he’ll stop promissin’ stuFfs unless his well sure off…. then mayBe i’ll stop complaining…!!! make sense ryt? i jUst want to have an assuRance in this world… how can y0u have that secUrity if with just one simple pRomise.. he can’t even manage to do it…? be cAreful with yer w0rds… with yeR pr0misses….

Cause it hUrts me like hell…!!!

in this world… life gets to be complicated by circumstances that we can’t really avoid!!! someh0w in ma thoughts…. i neEd thoz complications to meAsure ma strength… ma paTients… ma UndeRstanDing… and m0st of all…. ma trUst….!

it was really hard to feEl unease wiTh what y0u have rty now… there came a poinT wheRe even if y0u have str0ng faith….. doubTs knock at ouR do0r and we cn’t heLp it but to let doubts come in…. and eventually mess everythin’  we haVe..! so y not just sit at the cOrner and ignore everythin’ that speaks in yer mind… let go, calm yerself and pray…. then you’ll get the ansWers yer seArching f0r..!

but still, there are tyms that we receive no answers… maybe its n0t yet tym to clear things out… coz ya haven’t learned enuf….

n0w im wondrin’ "have i learned enuf..? or shud i take exams again and eventually fails it?" what if i fail?…. will i be able to overcome it again?…. can i stand the pity again or will i collapsed all broken out?…..  i guesS what im saying is dat… " every princess, though reSt assuRed  still looks for an assUrance  in her life…"  somethin’ that dealS with Security and confidence that No matter what happened… "the princess won’t be left out in a dungen… with no one to be with.." cold and tear apart…..!

all ma life, i’v beEn tryn’ to figure out what  went wr0ng with ma life..?  all i want is to be hapPy……  all i longed for is a security… somethin’ that not just words but with actions included…

the princess still believes and still holds On to the faith… to the pr0mise kept……. juSt pr0ve yerself that the princess w0n’t be "hurt" again…! she’s now in trauma… yet she’s tryin’ t0 conquer it just t0 prove herself t0 y0u…… take out ma fears……. giv’me the assurance and i’ll be y0urs forever….

cAn u cAll it as a defense mechanism of a person…. if y0u happen to retreat bAck to yEr c0mfOrt zOne…..!? specially when u knew thAt somethin’ myt be happenin’ with0ut yer consciousness….. like somethin’ that’s faalin out of yer lyf…. somethin’ that’s not really yours and y0u dunNo if yull evah get the asUrance that yer craving for…? i mean….. yeAh…, let’s say someh0w… i have the  blessings….. but then somethin’s still missin… like the feelng of bein’ darn secured…..!!!  ol i want is t0  be seure and all….. but that was what im  being neglected on…….!!! lack 0f secUrity and asSurance that what i’am holdin’ ryt now will be the same stuff i’ll be h0ldin’ till t0m, and the day aftah t0m, the succeding days, and probably the same stuff i’ll be holdin’ while walkin down the aisle  and the same stuff i’ll be holdin’ till my last funeral came!  do y0u think i should believe in the words one erson had given me?….. should i stick with thoze w0rds even if ryt now those words were lacking of action baCk-up?…..  guess,, ii can nver really have everythin’ in this world…. but ol i want s soo smple! a full eff0rt and secutity with assurance…! not just words but actions and words!

have you ever been in a situation where in you felt so darn empty yet you can’t trace where does that certain emptiness came from…? or why are you feeling so?
tell me ’bout that… i just did!…. right now….

just like every average gal….. all i ever dreamed of is a simple life…!

yet i guess simplicity is the hardest and the farthest avenue to be ever reached….. damn! maybe the far most impossible…

ol i want is a simple happy life… i dn’t need to0 much of the thingie stuffs out there…

what i nid is affection, attention, consideration, emotion!!!
something that no money cud ever buy…!

something that doesn’t even exist…. in this materialistic world!

i’m in this ground wherein, i’m certain that i got people around me who loves me for me… yet at the other side around… i got this feeling of uncertainty if doz people really did love me for sure…..

coz honestly, i cn’t feel any sincerity…  i hate it coz it’s not what i’m yearning for way back on thoz tyms that i’m  stranded in the "stucked avenue"….. yeah.. i found the courage to walk forward yet….. smtyms i feel like i’m being a lil’ lost and all…

and i don’t wanna get stuck again in the old avenue…..

how can i get the feeling of security if the the people i’m holding on to now……

is the person i can’t even find…?

how can you be sure that a person really loves you if they cn’t be wit you?

how can i be confident that what i’m fighting for is worth fighting.. if the person is nowhere to e found?

how can i be certain if i can’t feel the security from thoz person who constantly say that they love me?

and how can i get the guts to speak out. if every tym i tried.. they stop me from speaking out…. and eventually turn the tables on me?

i wanna be certain and confident with what i believe that i have…………

but do i really have something in my hand?

i’m lost again… confused and puzzled up……… weary and scared…..

history may seem to repeat itself again…..

god! need a refuge….. need to find a sanctuary….. not a rehab of an addictive drugs yet cn’t fynd a way out of the certain addiction…..

i guess what i nid…

is a connection…..
an assurance….

something that this cruel world seems to hide from me…..

i thought,,,
i found my sanctuary……
a lost girl fynd it’s way home…..

i never thought that there was a detour…!

now the paths seems so blurred…
and i cn’t see my way again…..

will i be stranded again?
or will a rain comes to clear my foggy area?

will a sun tries to dry up this silent tears that swells up with tears every night….

silently flowing down my cheeks… until i fynd the courage to close my eyes.. and be saddled in complete darkness of long hours sleep?

why does the simplest thing is the hardest one to achieve?
yet the most complicated situations r the one’s so darn easy to achieve?

ol i want is to be happy…….. simply happy and loved by the people i loved……

fynd a certain assurance that im not being left out….
feel that im important…
know that im being prioritized…
be confident that i don’t have any competitions around this tricky stupid world…..

yet i guess… its the hardest one to have…! T_T

will i ever be happy…… for real?

i’m spinning round……. i guess… its all coz of this paranoia im driving…….. i still got maself packed in ma own world…… he got nothing on me…….. no one can hold ma lyf except maself……. now im in this condition… and i got all the symptoms…….  but no one can see me cry…. coz i wudn’t let it happen…….. a lot may have happened, but im still me…………. strong and confident……….. have to let things go back to where it usually belong, though it may cut me like knife……. not even a single tear wud fall down this cheeks…….. im loosing grip and dunn0 if how long cud i evah hold on……. gve me this security that i’m loosing now…… take away this doubt if you can……. made me go back to the old me…….. coz if not,,,, i’m sorry, sooner or later………. i mybe committing sme suicide………. not through ma lyf but through our lyf………………. i rem’ber you speakng to me ’bout holding on and believing………… gve me a valid reason for me to do so0…………….. i missed me….. bleed with a knife but still tears won’t fall down…………….

every gal nids an assurance in their lyf… something that no words cud evah give…. it takes time, effort, and actions.. to satisfy a gal’s cravings…. soemthing that i wud love to have…. an assurance that i may sleep at peace each nyt knwing that d man i love is all mine…. words may easily be blurted outa lips of everybody.. but the aCtions along with it is something very rare to do so0….. yeah, sure his with me…. some days in a week…. know quite sound stereotyped but that’s how i balanced maself….. i live in a complicated world and as much as possible i wanted ma personal lyf to be as less complicated as possible….!!!! Damn.. guess dat’s hard to fynd nowadays ayt?…. yeah i got d guy… but i got all of him…? Dunno… or maybe the real question is… Do he got me…? Maybe he does.. i wudn’t be this paranoid if he does not ayt? im just scred of the thought dat i’ll let loose of ma self just to fynd out dat i loose d game……

maybe this gal nid more tym to figure out wat she really loves to have.. where she stands.. how she really felt and who she really wanted to be with… smthing that takes time and real effort from a man who loves me for real….. something that i wish to be Him…. can he be my mr. committed guy? or just another fake in the row?

just wen u thought everything was in its rytful place….. just then u’l figure out that wat u have is a place of mess…. i just want  to live a simple lyf, yet it seems so hard to get… one moment there i was, olmost blving in fairy tales.. gud thing i had control of maself…. i’m so sick of this Shit stick life…! just for once… can’t i have something for real..? somethin’ which is ol mine.. and mine alone…! im so darn sick of sharin’ ma belongings to other…. i just hate this stupid life… life of lie…! created by people whose main intention is to mke other people’s lyf so fuckin’ misserable!!! d saddest part yet d most truthful, those people who r dear to u r the one’s whose responcble in mking yer lyf like hell…! i’m tired, im sick, and i’m so over this whole redone-done process of make belief,,… i love maself and i won’t let anything  nor anyone hurt me… not again…! ohh God! i olmost believed… im so near to that avenue… gud thing i saw the detour sign and i drove back… back to ma parking space… safe and away from evil distractions that are lurking every where i go… i thought, i had it… i thought it was the one iv beeen searching for… it turned out it’s d same as wat i had b4… embraced with lie.. and pretentions…. make believes…. i had enuf of it… just…. i don’t know… u brought back the fear in ma heart! now, im thinkin.. is this ol worth it..? maybe not…! maybe not…!

how ironic can lyf get?… i never wud have thought things wud be like ridin’ a roller coaster… like one moment there i was bragging ’bout ma stupid lyf.. den in jst a snap… i can ask for nothin’… well.. how ‘am i ayt now… much better if yu’d cmpare to my last standing.., quite busy, both in ma carreer and ma personal lyf…. its been like centuries since i ever rode back in this game called lyf…. now, i can never panthom why i ever bragged ’bout being d looser.. cause it ended up - i was d one who won big tym! now, i can totally say, i have what life has to offer…. got ma future on tracks, educational chaos… no problemoo… and not to mention the guy!.. i guess, a moment of a traumatic, downfall do help in getting to where you wanna be… take it from me… now i know im where i park ma car….! at ma paradise….