ive been wondrin’ around dis past few days saying to ma friends that im fyn, happy and problemoo free… yeah, that’s true. well, ofcoarse not that im aware of a problem that’s coming ma way. I have a friend, lets say a special friend… i met him on ma class last sem, he was really not ma type and i wonder what happened dat i accidentally got interested on him! like his not even a super cuttee-hoottiee guy (know wat i mean?) he just got this appeal that really drives me head over heals! haizzz, neweiz, i was able to get a chance to be friended with that guy and God! am ‘i sooo shocked to know him better… i mean his totally serious with his lyf (which doesn’t show on his image), he have his priorities straight, he have that unique, weird principle in life…. maybe all those stuffs are d one who pushes me off the cliff that makes me fall for him….completely. we started out bein’ friends (were still friends.. but i wanna let go) u know the typical yosi break, chatz, textin’…. ma friends were not convinced that there’s nothin’ between us coz wen dey see me with him, theres that spark… we were hangin’ out quite good. i gotta admit i really thought that he had that special somethin’ for me also (well, he can’t blame me for he’s showin’ some sweetness and care that an ordinary friend wouldn’t be givin’ to a his friend! so lets just say i totally let maself fall thinkin’ that there would be someone willing to catch me! but i fell to a solid ground! pain crashes through ma bones… felt so broken and wasted! like how could it be possible for him to trash me that easily…? you guyz know and understand where im coming right? like i just woke up one day and i can’t even find him..! no text, No chatz, No yosi breaks!  you know what sucks about what he did? its the feeling that you get totally used on a routine of a daily textin’ , exchangin’ sweet thoughts, exerting some efforts for each other then with just a snap he’ll be trashing me out like a f*ck*ng trash! so that’s what happened.. i just told ma self "hey kat, dnt be too sad for you two dnt have any commitments with each odah… so he has no responsibility on yah.." so i managed to keep maself from emoting so much.. i thought i was fyn … that we cud still be friends… but i proved it impossible…. one day i was walkin’ pass the school corridor and i passed through him, can yah imagine what he did? … he doesn’t even bother to look at me… i felt slapped at those tymz like what the hell did just happened…? i felt so stupid smilin’ at him and what did i get..? a snob?! he cant tell me excuses that he wasn’t able to see me.. coz his friend notices me…. he’s friend even smiled at me..! the fact that we’ve been friends and wev’e wasted a lot of tyms for each other, he just easily threw it all away… its what hurt me a lot…! coz i don’t ditch ma friends just as easy as he does… so that’s done, i was able to be fyn after so many tyms of move on sessions with ma friends (thanks to them that they don’t let me down.. at least there are still person who are sensitive to ma feelinds). at the tym that i thought i had completely move on… there he was textin me again as if nothin’ happens…! the nerve ayt? well, ofcoarse hirs the martyr gal who welcomed him with an open arms….! arrgghhh.. hate ma self for that! but i just cnt fynd a proper reason to not respond on him.. like i dont have the right to be way bitter coz we dont have any commitment to each other.., i cannot even act hurtin’ coz in the first place im just a friend… so better say reply and what yu’d know? were back to normal! so here iu was again.. bein’ miss friendship, miss understandin’, miss martyr…, loiterin’ around the school, hoping to see him… yeah.. were quite hanging out.. i mean quite… so rare, but that was fyn… maybe his busy (oh c’mon like who am ‘i fooling? maself?) then u know the routine of bein used to his overwhelming presence… one day were talkin (textin rather)… he mention that maybe he won’t be able to enroll for the coming semester due to financial problems that he needed a job to support eighter his allowance or tuiton…. were talkin’ fyn as usual then he asked me if i knew this certain gal who happens to be ma orgmate… d*mn.. like how insensitive can he get? saying that he happens to like the gal and how worst can it get… when he started inquirin’ bout’ the gal..! i mean yeah.. wer frendz but he couldn’t say that he didn’t notice ma real flings… for him to be that insensitive..! well, i didn’t mean too, neighter did not force maself too but it just happened that everythin i felt dissapeared..! i dnt know, mybe coz i realized that its too much.. that i didnt deserve everythin’,, all the pain that was eating me up lately.. maybe i just grew tired of hopin, and fooling ma self so i give up..! i just found maself feelin nothin for him but just a plain friend…. a plain insensitive friend… i just woke up by the reality that i dont deserve those painful crashes in ma lyf coz of him… that ive given a lot though recieve nothin… not even a nibble! i wanted to yell at him… to say bad words… coz he’s been so insensitive to ma feelings. im not demanding nor expecting him to love me lately…, ol i wanted is to him to be sensitive.., to show some compassion for me..,! like i was fyn on our set-up… im so fyn with the fact that he only rem’ber to text me wen his bored with his lyf… then if he fynd a new trip.. its fyn for me to be trashed in a corner (coz im used to that routine.. i guess) then he’ll just picked me up wen he has no one to tlk to.. u know the last option if his hopeless to fyn someone that’ll talk to him.. i was so d*rn fyn with that… even though it hurts a lot and ma friends were scoldin’ me , i did not care.. coz im a friend (who happens to secretly love a friend who ignores me in his entire lyf!)… i just realized everythin.. i guess.. that its too much..! that i dont deserve it.. that i have to let go and bid gudbye just to save a little pride…. i’ve accepted those pains but with these latest one.. i cant! i feel so abused and wasted… humiliated and embarassed that i needed to pick maself up and paste back all the pieces together..! im just sad that of all the person who’ll make me feel so violated… it was he! im so sorry for him coz.. he let his chance to be fully loved that he can ever have in his entire life…
i guess its the right thing for me… to hold out…. coz in the first place im holdin’ nothin at all….