cAn u cAll it as a defense mechanism of a person…. if y0u happen to retreat bAck to yEr c0mfOrt zOne…..!? specially when u knew thAt somethin’ myt be happenin’ with0ut yer consciousness….. like somethin’ that’s faalin out of yer lyf…. somethin’ that’s not really yours and y0u dunNo if yull evah get the asUrance that yer craving for…? i mean….. yeAh…, let’s say someh0w… i have the  blessings….. but then somethin’s still missin… like the feelng of bein’ darn secured…..!!!  ol i want is t0  be seure and all….. but that was what im  being neglected on…….!!! lack 0f secUrity and asSurance that what i’am holdin’ ryt now will be the same stuff i’ll be h0ldin’ till t0m, and the day aftah t0m, the succeding days, and probably the same stuff i’ll be holdin’ while walkin down the aisle  and the same stuff i’ll be holdin’ till my last funeral came!  do y0u think i should believe in the words one erson had given me?….. should i stick with thoze w0rds even if ryt now those words were lacking of action baCk-up?…..  guess,, ii can nver really have everythin’ in this world…. but ol i want s soo smple! a full eff0rt and secutity with assurance…! not just words but actions and words!

have you ever been in a situation where in you felt so darn empty yet you can’t trace where does that certain emptiness came from…? or why are you feeling so?
tell me ’bout that… i just did!…. right now….

just like every average gal….. all i ever dreamed of is a simple life…!

yet i guess simplicity is the hardest and the farthest avenue to be ever reached….. damn! maybe the far most impossible…

ol i want is a simple happy life… i dn’t need to0 much of the thingie stuffs out there…

what i nid is affection, attention, consideration, emotion!!!
something that no money cud ever buy…!

something that doesn’t even exist…. in this materialistic world!

i’m in this ground wherein, i’m certain that i got people around me who loves me for me… yet at the other side around… i got this feeling of uncertainty if doz people really did love me for sure…..

coz honestly, i cn’t feel any sincerity…  i hate it coz it’s not what i’m yearning for way back on thoz tyms that i’m  stranded in the "stucked avenue"….. yeah.. i found the courage to walk forward yet….. smtyms i feel like i’m being a lil’ lost and all…

and i don’t wanna get stuck again in the old avenue…..

how can i get the feeling of security if the the people i’m holding on to now……

is the person i can’t even find…?

how can you be sure that a person really loves you if they cn’t be wit you?

how can i be confident that what i’m fighting for is worth fighting.. if the person is nowhere to e found?

how can i be certain if i can’t feel the security from thoz person who constantly say that they love me?

and how can i get the guts to speak out. if every tym i tried.. they stop me from speaking out…. and eventually turn the tables on me?

i wanna be certain and confident with what i believe that i have…………

but do i really have something in my hand?

i’m lost again… confused and puzzled up……… weary and scared…..

history may seem to repeat itself again…..

god! need a refuge….. need to find a sanctuary….. not a rehab of an addictive drugs yet cn’t fynd a way out of the certain addiction…..

i guess what i nid…

is a connection…..
an assurance….

something that this cruel world seems to hide from me…..

i thought,,,
i found my sanctuary……
a lost girl fynd it’s way home…..

i never thought that there was a detour…!

now the paths seems so blurred…
and i cn’t see my way again…..

will i be stranded again?
or will a rain comes to clear my foggy area?

will a sun tries to dry up this silent tears that swells up with tears every night….

silently flowing down my cheeks… until i fynd the courage to close my eyes.. and be saddled in complete darkness of long hours sleep?

why does the simplest thing is the hardest one to achieve?
yet the most complicated situations r the one’s so darn easy to achieve?

ol i want is to be happy…….. simply happy and loved by the people i loved……

fynd a certain assurance that im not being left out….
feel that im important…
know that im being prioritized…
be confident that i don’t have any competitions around this tricky stupid world…..

yet i guess… its the hardest one to have…! T_T

will i ever be happy…… for real?

i’m spinning round……. i guess… its all coz of this paranoia im driving…….. i still got maself packed in ma own world…… he got nothing on me…….. no one can hold ma lyf except maself……. now im in this condition… and i got all the symptoms…….  but no one can see me cry…. coz i wudn’t let it happen…….. a lot may have happened, but im still me…………. strong and confident……….. have to let things go back to where it usually belong, though it may cut me like knife……. not even a single tear wud fall down this cheeks…….. im loosing grip and dunn0 if how long cud i evah hold on……. gve me this security that i’m loosing now…… take away this doubt if you can……. made me go back to the old me…….. coz if not,,,, i’m sorry, sooner or later………. i mybe committing sme suicide………. not through ma lyf but through our lyf………………. i rem’ber you speakng to me ’bout holding on and believing………… gve me a valid reason for me to do so0…………….. i missed me….. bleed with a knife but still tears won’t fall down…………….