how am i ayt now…?  wheew.. here, guess im doin’ fyn lately… been keepin’ maself totally busy just to get through these two months long vacation.. (i guess to keep maself from thinkin’ much! ) what ‘d yah know? still talkin’ bout him! haiz wen will i eveah get through these foolishnes? ma guess… after world war 6..! god, i need to step out of ma fantasies… i did, or so i think i did… yeah.. wat a boomer, i really thought i was done and all ‘coz i was able to loiter at different grounds without even thinkin of him… nor textin’ him..! only to fynd out dat i was still weak towards him!
well, lets just say he texted me this morneen… well, what’d yah expect from me? i was shocked to feel ackward, like im totally confussed if do i have to feel hurt, mad, angry, happy, bothered…! like i really thought i was ovah… then just to know im not! well, guess ma frenz were ayt, its nevah easy to dicth someone so dear to you… i just did!
damn like i was totally hit by a ten wheeler truck this morneen… imagine like i totally went crazy with just some words on ma phone! how lame was that?… now, i was pretty envious bout this coming semester.. like how would i get to act around him…? that is, if he managed to loiter at ma grounds again… (oopsie! he just did! this morneen ayt? ) the nerve! this is wat im talkin’ bout… he’ll come to ma lyf tryin’ to change everythin in ma senses then in just a snap he’ll fuckin’ dissappear! then again here he comes again… enterin’ ma lyf without ma permission whenever he feels like doin’ so… and here i was so helpless, voiceless! uuurrgghhhh!!! katleen snap out of it!
just need a break! i know God has a purpose for this…. but i can’t seem to figure out! i mean yeah i was tryin’ to  fyn that one great affair…  u know that one great love old folks used to say… but all i get was a pair of dusty clothes! i mean if he was not really the one.. then i dont want any connections with him and to hell with these feelings after all, i was fuckin’ close to getting ovah on that traumatic experience not until earlier! on the other hand if he happens to be.. y waste time? y can’t it be fixed as early as now?!
nah, i sound so crazy, i wonder what’ll be looking for me this coming semester (except for that thesis)… will we be evah be the same as how we were b4?… or if something’ll be changing will it be favorable for me? or for the both of us? or it’ll be another semnester of traumatic headache….
now.., still tryin’ to recover both phisically and damned emptionally…. i wish someone was helping me out der!
i just wish he should’nt try to do some stupid things again just to get in ma lyf again.. coz i know in d end it’ll be me who’ll cry again! well if he manage to decide for the bettah.. well better off fyn i guess….
i just dunno wat’s the ayt thing to do.. haizz, as of now i haven’t responding unto his textes….
dont wanna screwed up again!

i myt be able to stop ol dis foolishness…. hopefully, just Five days… just five days and im done..! (if i may able to pull it out from here..) how hard was it to pretend that yer fyn while yer completely not… so wasted this past few days… neweiz, gotta admit.. i was happy to saw yah happy…. (if yah really are happy..), yeah.. u haven’t noticed i guest.. but i saw you last wed…. on yer way home i guess.. yah seem quite fyn, well yah shud be ayt? y wud yah not be? me?.. well hir, still  tryin’ to convince maself dat i dn’t deserve this darn treatment! how hard can it get?.. yeah i totally thought i was through… but i just proved it i’m not wen i saw yah last wed., something craps insyd.. i gotta say.. it hurts so badly that i even lost ma concentration in the exwams.. (but i manage to pass ma exwams..). i know i shud be happy to see yah fyn and eventually, happy with yer stupId Fuckin’ lyf! but cn’t stand the thought dat yer happy while i’m darn sad..! ofcoarse.. i’ll be fyn.. like after fIve days…! c’mon, dn’t say im too statistical.. but i bet i wud within fivE days… i’m just waitin’ for the semester to end and ill be endin’ everythin’ between you and me… (if ders reallysomething between u and me..) know wat,. i stop blaming maself for i’ve come to realize dat it was nevah ma fault.. actually im preety proud of maself for i was able to take ma chances… i was able to take risks… and i was able to conquer ma fears… but yer not! yer still darn afraid to take yer chances.. know wat ma friends wer ryt.. "yer a Gay!" so coward to be a man of yer words… only gays do run away in the mess that they have created.. and u just did! i pity you.. coz i looked up to u.., i admired you for bein’ responsible and all but it turned out that yer just a talkshit man…. just like some gays out der…. yah.. i dn’t deserve you… thnks though, i’ll nevah forget..

yet i must admit you did ablle to teach me some lessons… "nevah trust a confident tongue…", i guess actions speak loudah than voice ayt..? i think yer infallible… im just sad that youve proven yer not.. i did not take ma trust on you.. u did.., yah even destroyed it… well, i still hope and wish the best that dis fuckin’ lyf can offah you… i just pray to God that you’ll be able to fynd some suitable financing resources to support yer study.. (if yer telling the truth ’bout yer problemooss…)

haiz, lyf can be as tricky as it looks.. but in the end, i know i did not loose ma game.. you did! for i was der, ’til the end..

goodluck though in yer exams…

i myt be able to stop ol dis foolishness…. hopefully, just Five days… just five days and im done..! (if i may able to pull it out from here..) how hard was it to pretend that yer fyn while yer completely not… so wasted this past few days… neweiz, gotta admit.. i was happy to saw yah happy…. (if yah really are happy..), yeah.. u haven’t noticed i guest.. but i saw you last wed…. on yer way home i guess.. yah seem quite fyn, well yah shud be ayt? y wud yah not be? me?.. well hir, still  tryin’ to convince maself dat i dn’t deserve this darn treatment! how hard can it get?.. yeah i totally thought i was through… but i just proved it i’m not wen i saw yah last wed., something craps insyd.. i gotta say.. it hurts so badly that i even lost ma concentration in the exwams.. (but i manage to pass ma exwams..). i know i shud be happy to see yah fyn and eventually, happy with yer stupId Fuckin’ lyf! but cn’t stand the thought dat yer happy while i’m darn sad..! ofcoarse.. i’ll be fyn.. like after fIve days…! c’mon, dn’t say im too statistical.. but i bet i wud within fivE days… i’m just waitin’ for the semester to end and ill be endin’ everythin’ between you and me… (if ders reallysomething between u and me..) know wat,. i stop blaming maself for i’ve come to realize dat it was nevah ma fault.. actually im preety proud of maself for i was able to take ma chances… i was able to take risks… and i was able to conquer ma fears… but yer not! yer still darn afraid to take yer chances.. know wat ma friends wer ryt.. "yer a Gay!" so coward to be a man of yer words… only gays do run away in the mess that they have created.. and u just did! i pity you.. coz i looked up to u.., i admired you for bein’ responsible and all but it turned out that yer just a talkshit man…. just like some gays out der…. yah.. i dn’t deserve you… thnks though, i’ll nevah forget..

yet i must admit you did ablle to teach me some lessons… "nevah trust a confident tongue…", i guess actions speak loudah than voice ayt..? i think yer infallible… im just sad that youve proven yer not.. i did not take ma trust on you.. u did.., yah even destroyed it… well, i still hope and wish the best that dis fuckin’ lyf can offah you… i just pray to God that you’ll be able to fynd some suitable financing resources to support yer study.. (if yer telling the truth ’bout yer problemooss…)

haiz, lyf can be as tricky as it looks.. but in the end, i know i did not loose ma game.. you did! for i was der, ’til the end..

goodluck though in yer exams…

ive been wondrin’ around dis past few days saying to ma friends that im fyn, happy and problemoo free… yeah, that’s true. well, ofcoarse not that im aware of a problem that’s coming ma way. I have a friend, lets say a special friend… i met him on ma class last sem, he was really not ma type and i wonder what happened dat i accidentally got interested on him! like his not even a super cuttee-hoottiee guy (know wat i mean?) he just got this appeal that really drives me head over heals! haizzz, neweiz, i was able to get a chance to be friended with that guy and God! am ‘i sooo shocked to know him better… i mean his totally serious with his lyf (which doesn’t show on his image), he have his priorities straight, he have that unique, weird principle in life…. maybe all those stuffs are d one who pushes me off the cliff that makes me fall for him….completely. we started out bein’ friends (were still friends.. but i wanna let go) u know the typical yosi break, chatz, textin’…. ma friends were not convinced that there’s nothin’ between us coz wen dey see me with him, theres that spark… we were hangin’ out quite good. i gotta admit i really thought that he had that special somethin’ for me also (well, he can’t blame me for he’s showin’ some sweetness and care that an ordinary friend wouldn’t be givin’ to a his friend! so lets just say i totally let maself fall thinkin’ that there would be someone willing to catch me! but i fell to a solid ground! pain crashes through ma bones… felt so broken and wasted! like how could it be possible for him to trash me that easily…? you guyz know and understand where im coming right? like i just woke up one day and i can’t even find him..! no text, No chatz, No yosi breaks!  you know what sucks about what he did? its the feeling that you get totally used on a routine of a daily textin’ , exchangin’ sweet thoughts, exerting some efforts for each other then with just a snap he’ll be trashing me out like a f*ck*ng trash! so that’s what happened.. i just told ma self "hey kat, dnt be too sad for you two dnt have any commitments with each odah… so he has no responsibility on yah.." so i managed to keep maself from emoting so much.. i thought i was fyn … that we cud still be friends… but i proved it impossible…. one day i was walkin’ pass the school corridor and i passed through him, can yah imagine what he did? … he doesn’t even bother to look at me… i felt slapped at those tymz like what the hell did just happened…? i felt so stupid smilin’ at him and what did i get..? a snob?! he cant tell me excuses that he wasn’t able to see me.. coz his friend notices me…. he’s friend even smiled at me..! the fact that we’ve been friends and wev’e wasted a lot of tyms for each other, he just easily threw it all away… its what hurt me a lot…! coz i don’t ditch ma friends just as easy as he does… so that’s done, i was able to be fyn after so many tyms of move on sessions with ma friends (thanks to them that they don’t let me down.. at least there are still person who are sensitive to ma feelinds). at the tym that i thought i had completely move on… there he was textin me again as if nothin’ happens…! the nerve ayt? well, ofcoarse hirs the martyr gal who welcomed him with an open arms….! arrgghhh.. hate ma self for that! but i just cnt fynd a proper reason to not respond on him.. like i dont have the right to be way bitter coz we dont have any commitment to each other.., i cannot even act hurtin’ coz in the first place im just a friend… so better say reply and what yu’d know? were back to normal! so here iu was again.. bein’ miss friendship, miss understandin’, miss martyr…, loiterin’ around the school, hoping to see him… yeah.. were quite hanging out.. i mean quite… so rare, but that was fyn… maybe his busy (oh c’mon like who am ‘i fooling? maself?) then u know the routine of bein used to his overwhelming presence… one day were talkin (textin rather)… he mention that maybe he won’t be able to enroll for the coming semester due to financial problems that he needed a job to support eighter his allowance or tuiton…. were talkin’ fyn as usual then he asked me if i knew this certain gal who happens to be ma orgmate… d*mn.. like how insensitive can he get? saying that he happens to like the gal and how worst can it get… when he started inquirin’ bout’ the gal..! i mean yeah.. wer frendz but he couldn’t say that he didn’t notice ma real flings… for him to be that insensitive..! well, i didn’t mean too, neighter did not force maself too but it just happened that everythin i felt dissapeared..! i dnt know, mybe coz i realized that its too much.. that i didnt deserve everythin’,, all the pain that was eating me up lately.. maybe i just grew tired of hopin, and fooling ma self so i give up..! i just found maself feelin nothin for him but just a plain friend…. a plain insensitive friend… i just woke up by the reality that i dont deserve those painful crashes in ma lyf coz of him… that ive given a lot though recieve nothin… not even a nibble! i wanted to yell at him… to say bad words… coz he’s been so insensitive to ma feelings. im not demanding nor expecting him to love me lately…, ol i wanted is to him to be sensitive.., to show some compassion for me..,! like i was fyn on our set-up… im so fyn with the fact that he only rem’ber to text me wen his bored with his lyf… then if he fynd a new trip.. its fyn for me to be trashed in a corner (coz im used to that routine.. i guess) then he’ll just picked me up wen he has no one to tlk to.. u know the last option if his hopeless to fyn someone that’ll talk to him.. i was so d*rn fyn with that… even though it hurts a lot and ma friends were scoldin’ me , i did not care.. coz im a friend (who happens to secretly love a friend who ignores me in his entire lyf!)… i just realized everythin.. i guess.. that its too much..! that i dont deserve it.. that i have to let go and bid gudbye just to save a little pride…. i’ve accepted those pains but with these latest one.. i cant! i feel so abused and wasted… humiliated and embarassed that i needed to pick maself up and paste back all the pieces together..! im just sad that of all the person who’ll make me feel so violated… it was he! im so sorry for him coz.. he let his chance to be fully loved that he can ever have in his entire life…
i guess its the right thing for me… to hold out…. coz in the first place im holdin’ nothin at all….

i was thinkin’ bout the thought of seeing him again… (ya know the guy i was talkin’ bout), but in a way that i’ll totally be able to face him with no regrets..! ofcoarse i would be damned if i say that i got no hatred for him.., i do have but ofcoarse.. forgiveness will oweiz be an option for me! like, im no saint to be cold hearted biatch, ayt? neweiz, as i was saying, to meet him again unexpectedly without any ouch here in me.., yah know that i wuld’nt be tripping ovah ma feet, i won’t turn head ovah heels.., just be able to face him in ma neutral mood… only i guess i hve one week left.. coz, it’ll be a week and the semester wud end.., ofcoarse that myt be ma last chance to see him (c’mon ya know wat i mean.. still wanna see him though), well, maybe that’ll be the last, haizz, ma last glance at him…, coz he told me that it’l be way impossible for him to catch up school by next semester.., dunno like a lil’ financial prob… so if dats d consequences, i must be able to work out on ma own feelings.., ya know be able to completely erase dat guy out of ma senses.., (though it seems totally hard). i did said gudbye to him.. only in txt, wat i meant by that is that.. its ma last txt to him.. ya know a farewell thingie.., though it doesn’t define a lot, a single word "BYE"… but at least i gave him a hint..(as if he cares..). i believe that wud’nt affect him that much, given the fact that he’s totally filled with numbers of frenz.., i guess he won’t bother to loose a single fren.., specially me! i mean why wud he be? im just an ordinary fren so why regret ma absences… still, wanna be fune., coz frankly, every tym that i passed through some places that we used to hang out,somethin’s still craps insyd.., oh, well ate ivy said that i passed half d  percentage of ma feelings in moving on.. so a gud start i guess… 65% move on.. im ssooo near getting ovah.., that’s d only thing im waiting, u know, be totally ovah! by then everything willbe back to normanl, as long as he keep from ma circles, i guess. haizz, this day had been totally a boredom.., imagine spending yer 24 hour sleeping and eating.. (so lame), im looking for new stuffs to keep ma self busy.., (hihihi.. to be busy from him, from getting fat, from bein’ lazy), well, still looking forward to find some income this coming summah.., hi, getting ready for this summah.. have to kip ma body fit.. don’t wanna have some lumps and bouncing bellies wen i ware ma bikinis…. neweiz, wasn’t able to continue ma plans with regards ma O.J.T. i guess it wasn’t ment for me.., maybe there’s more opportunities that are bound ma way..! at least i got ma passport fixed! thanks to mom! got to prepare maself for the finals… so toxicated by the pressure on our exwams… still, wondrin’ when will i see him… for the last tym i hope.., uuurrgghh.. wanna be over.., why is it so hard?

god! finally, it’ll be the end of the semester and hopefully as i end ma semester i’ll also be able to end ol this foolishness… well, i started out ma semester as yah know the day in the life thing… ’bout him.., like first day of school and der i was looking for him.. well, i cud say that i succeeded.. yeah somehow i did, coz if i can rem’ber it right…, ol i wish for God is to be close with him.. and i did.. only i wasn’t expecting that i’ll fall for him..! i just wish i cud be close enough to know him bettah.., more than an ordinary foreign service student that oweiz loiter in the corridor of Lyceum…. i was fortunate for God did let me be close unto him.. only now i wish that i should’ve wished for more than bein’ close..( who knows God myt even give it to me ayt?) i guess it was too late… =(
hhmm.. this semester will be the most memmorable amongst all.., i won’t forget.., everythin’ changed.., now as i end this semester i was olso looking forward to end ma connections with him.. (if there’s a connection.. ) it was really hard in ma part to  avoid him.. yeah, it was hard given the fact that he was not even aware that his friend was totally head ovah heels unto him…! though i have no plans to reveal it  yet.. (i mean yet!), a day b4 graduation will do… im co0l with it..
i guess, i was doing the ryt thing, not replying, not loitering on his ground, what else.., not passing on the roads that he myt be passing too…. i guess, it won’t be unfair to him, coz, lets say he did the same thingie too! only that i was able to catch him once in a while and it fucked hurts! now im the one whose bein’ crazy hiding from him.. (as if he’s looking for me?), i just like to know if will he miss ma presence?
i know i sound like a hopeless desperate maiden..,but its the truth…, at least by now im a lil’ bit fine.., i cud stand ma whole day without a thought of him.., unless somebody remin me ’bout him… haiiizzzzz, i nid to step out of this illussions (dillussions rather.) next semester.. i want to  be focussed on ma major subjects, i want to  keep ma head on ma books and study hard.., i guess ol i want from now is a companion but not an affair, coz nobody tries i guess… hahaha.. well, if god will have mercy on me and happens to give him back or give a new one…, well Thanks.. i’ll be very much obliged to be happy…. if not, i guess carreer first.., after all its oweiz d excuse of those who wer so unfortunate in their lovelyf… hibihiihi…

one year to go and we’ll be graduating.. one year to go and maybe i cud tell him that i used to love him while he’s so innocent ’bout it..! that he mademe cry for like a thousand times.., that he filled ma mind and his not even aware that he makes a gal crazy….! i cud just imagine ayt now what will be he’ss reaction…
so damn shocked! like he’ll gonna say "darn it kat, r u serious?"  hehehe  those black eyes will be puffing out of its sockets..! ohh those black hypnotizing eyes…. i guess above all those eyes are  the most precious mem’ries i’ll ever have…. those eyes that once laid on me…
that nose.., it kills me to stair at those nose… 
i guess th elips olso.. everythin’….
its one of the things i’ll be treasuring after graduation…
do yah think will ever see each otha again?
yeah after grad.?
how i wish.. then maybe by that time we can correct everything..
(the nerve… kat.. stop it)
neweiz, by now ol i want is to finish this sem and maybe i’ll be done with him…
(still, something hir deep insyd craps with the thought of leavin’ him..still wanna try even though how hopeless it seams.. only i have to fyt it.. )
T_T (crying)…..

if he opnly knew…

i’m so tired of bein’ taken for granted.. like i totally think that it was so unfair for me..! God, i deserve a bettah one, howcome i oweiz fall for the wrong one? is there anybodey out der whose just ayt for me? i mean some one who’ll nah take me for granted, nor play stupid games on me.. i’m just so sick.. so sick and tired of this wasted routinary affairs.. (if it was even considerable as an affair.. but i doubt it..) neweiz, haizzz, at least at some point i was able to retrieved ma self after a tragic crash in ma lys.., some how, on the brightah syd.. i cud feel a better chances of movin’ on. i can stay for a day without even thinkin’ of him (at least for a day..). bout d gal that i previously talked ’bout… well, good thing i was bein’ reasonable and 4rtunatly, i was able to control ma self from that irrational and illogical way of treating her.., i just hope that before this semester end, i’ll be fully ovah him,!
maybe it was just for a matter of lyf experience.. agree?

on the oder syd.., still, optimistic hir, though ayt now, im in an em stage.. so lame… i know! hihihi.., i guess wat i nid to be completely ovah is a replacement..! i mean wat cud cure a broken heart but another heart too..! yeah so sassy.., but it make sense ayt..? hhmmm…, it made me think…! hahaha, nah.., dnt wana be unfair to an innocent gal.., (coz i was thinkin’ of a classm8 dat was linked to me… only he’s taken..) see? that’s wat i mean.. if i ever try to take chances theres oweiz a damage in it…! wether, the guy is taken or selfish or player..! well, i say.." y problematized if yah can just have them ol at the same tym.. hahaha" nah, im nah like dat..! just tryin’ to be happy, Please Papa God.. I totally nid a new one..! someone tha’ll tke care of me…, love and show importance and sincerity in me.. coz come to think of it.. i haven’t met one.. for the 18 years of ma lyf..
haizzzzzz, how bitter.., so sick with this lame lyf…
i need one!

how’s it possible that yah get mad at a person yah dn’t even know..? i know that its totally rude but i cant help it…! it feels like she has a connection to me that what ever i do, where ever ma feet carry me.. she’s oweiz loiterin’ around ma circles! now, i strated to hate maself coz i know its totally not ayt to ditch on smeone i dnt even know! but she really gives the nerve out of me.. well, i dn’t even got a chance to talk to her.. neighter to know her personally.. i just felt so angry whenever she’s around..! how lame can i get ayt..? well, maybe its because she’s the gal who happens to be an ex.. gal of ma special someone..! yeah.., i know what yer thinkin’ ayt now… "kat,yer so lame gurl.. cut it out..!" u wanted too..! i really do but o just cn’t..! given the fact that the guy and me were so loosing d communication, i just cn’t help but to get mad at the thought that he myt be textin’ her and all..! oh God, o need to snap out of this..! well, to him, o dunno.., i really thought i cud get over, yeah, smehow i’am nut each tym he comes near i get all clumsy and weak and everythun’ was ruined! u turned out to be a lil’ child given a piece of chocolate cake and so damn happy in her lyf! i just want to get over this… yah know the feelin’ of being able to face that person wothout a capital "Ouch"i yer heart.. that’s wat i wanted, yah lnow, to eliminate all the biases and wud be able to face him as a plain frend without any malices coz d more i dn’t stop it the more that i’ll get hurt.. and like what’s the gold in w8ting for somebody yah know yah can nevah hve..? so i guess, i have to stop all this foolishness… and somehow start livi’ in ma normal lyf again, without any vampire tryin’ to ruin ma nyt…,, though i must say.."His the most beautiful vampire i had ever set ma eyes on.. the most lovable draklin’ creature i ever love… haizzzz, still bad on ma part, coz d burdens still eating me up.., and worst part,he’s nah even aware of it.. but dn’t have any plans to let him know.. coz i know that he’ll get all weird and we’ll noh be frenz anymore… cn’t stand the thought of that…….! when can i get over you? for real..? and to you gurl.. im so sowee if im mad at yah with no valid reasons.. well i guess, its normal for someone who loves without an assurance ayt?  though i must say, yer also mad at me at one point.. i can see it in yer moves.., cn’t blame you, wer both victims of that guy..!that monster,devil guy.. the devil that we both loved somuch.. dn’t know bout you but im pretty sure on ma self…. i love him but im nah asking for him… its nah wat i nid, i guess… tym will tell..